"Hikari, where are have you been?!"
Yess......I've been suuuper quiet especially on social media, and I was surprised so many people took notice of that! Some even expressed their concern to me personally. Which admittedly felt nice because it showed people cared and actually noticed I was gone?! Welllll....I'm back! :) I've been on a hiatus for 2 months and that's a lifetime in this industry. I'm back as a whole new person with a life inside of me, looking ahead to a journey of being a mom, and my life will never ever be the same.
On Mother's Day, we officially announced that we're pregnant with our first! We are having a GIRL, yay! (Which was our preference, but we would of been happy with a healthy baby regardless!) We're 20 weeks in and waited until this long to make an official announcement, but I really needed that time.
Had we announced anytime sooner, my excitement wouldn't have been authentic. Let me explain.
It took me 20 weeks, but I can say that I’m finally at a point where I'm happy with this major life change and I’m actually excited about it. But if I were to be honest, I wasn’t ready for it. I was only starting to warm up to the idea of having a baby, but nowhere was I ready. In fact, I'm one of those girls that never dreamt about having babies. I don't look at a baby and find myself oohing, aahing, and cooing with them. I'm just. awkward. around babies and kids. My husband on the other hand, is AMAZING with kids. He's a baby whisperer. I even asked him the other day, "how are you so good with them?!" He told me ,"you just gotta play with them." That doesn't come naturally for me.... lol. It might have been because he grew up with a huge family (hello, filipino families!) and was exposed to babies and kids his entire life. Me, on the other hand, I come from a very small intimate family. All my relatives lived in Japan, so it was just my parents, myself, and my brother growing up. My brother and I are only 18 months apart, so we were practically raised like twins. No babies around us. That's not to say I didn't want kids. I did.....at some point. haha.
Nevertheless, I was finally feeling like I was in the groove of things with my career, happy with my branding, and living somewhat care-freely with my husband, cat, and friends.
So, It took awhile for me to mentally adjust, more than getting used to physical changes to my body. I still wanted to do things, I had personal goals, career goals, I wanted to focus on myself…I wanted to be “selfish”. So this surprise hit me hard and I didn’t know what to do with myself. When I peed on that stick and came out positive, I literally fell to the ground, sat there and thought... "What am I gonna do?" I was overwhelmed with what needed to be done from that point on. From the logistics side of things (what doctor do I go to? What about a midwife? Who's good? Would they take my insurance?), to future planning of what my life could look like. There was just a lot of RE-planning and adjusting to do.
I also had this weird fear that once I announce it, the world changes and people will feel differently about me. I wouldn't be "cool" anymore. You look at your friends and they can freely do their own thing. And here you are, fighting off the nausea and feeling not 100% yourself. I couldn’t help but feel like I had to leave behind dreams I had. As silly as this sounds, these are REAL feelings I had. This is the first time I’m opening up about this. For a long time I couldn’t voice it out because I felt guilty. I was scared I would be a "bad" person because it would seem like I'm not grateful for this blessing. Reasons I stayed really quiet. But I want people to know that, it wasn't that I wasn't happy, but there's truth in feelings of fear of the unknown and how this changes your life. I know everyone's path to motherhood is so different and one that's very personal. Some people ARE ready and want to have children. Some unable to conceive when they want one, so they might adopt. Some are pregnant when they least expect it.
This is my journey, and I'm finally ready to share it with you.
So when did I know I was actually excited?
That's hard to say, but over time as I was quietly taking care of a life inside and seeing my bump grow, my heart grew too. Every doctor's appointment and ultrasound scan made it more real. For me, it was those physical changes that slowly changed my anxiety into happiness and ultimately, peace. Up until that point, I only saw limitations and all the things I would have to sacrifice. But now I see more possibilities that only motherhood can bring.
What's also helped in this transition, is to look at other moms. I became really observant of how other moms are interacting with their babies, started reading mom blogs, and followed other bloggers who share similar stories. I started to look to entrepreneurial moms who have families as inspiration. My biggest fear was not being able to continue or pursue my professional dreams. But I realized it wasn't about throwing it away, it's just about tweaking them. Now I have new dreams that incorporate my future children. I’m truly excited for this next chapter in my life. So..welcome to my new adventure of being a mommy, dressing up our baby in cute clothes, and playing hair and makeup with my girl!